Acceptance, what a painful thing that can be sometimes. Pretty easy to accept the things we like but what about the things we don’t like? I talk to myself- asking- how can I not accept a fact? That doesn’t sound rational. A fact is a fact, it doesn’t change because I don’t accept it. Yet, accepting what is — is not as easy as it sounds. I saw a definition of acceptance as “a person’s assent to the reality of a situation.” I am surprised how many times I choose not to deal with my reality.

Usually I have many reasons to choose from when I don’t accept the reality of a situation, when I don’t accept a fact:

• I don’t agree with it, it’s not what I want to happen
• I want the fact to change
• I want someone to change
• I don’t like what happened or what happened is unfair
• Or, I choose not to accept the fact because it easier to do, than accept my inability to control what happened.

I am so caught up in emotions, that accepting what is, is not an option — it’s not on my mind. Rationality often takes a back seat to my emotions; my viewpoint about the fact gets in the way of my accepting it.

Nine times out of ten, the pain of non-acceptance causes me the most pain. For example, I get stuck in traffic and I am going to be late. I hate being late. I react as if I can scream at the traffic and somehow miraculously, the traffic will clear. If I clench the steering wheel, give it a couple pounds, say I can’t believe this is happening enough times, maybe the traffic will go away. It’s like I would rather disagree with the fact, than accept it and see where to go from there.

When I accept what is, I free myself from unnecessary pain and struggle. When I am in non-acceptance, I tend to ask, why me, why is this happening to me, how could this be happening to me, this can’t be happening to me? Starting from acceptance, I ask different questions. I have a different perspective. When I accept what is, the acceptance has me thinking forward, not stuck in the past, nor focused on why. When I accept what is, I focus on what happens next not on what already happened. I move beyond what happened.

If I could only do that more, my world would look like this: something happened, whatever it was, I accept it and move forward- accept what is. Granted, I do believe there are occasions when non acceptance equals self preservation, a pain so deep that bringing it to the forefront immediately would wreck the brain. But the bottom line is: most of the things I don’t accept don’t fall in the self-preservation category. It’s amazing to me, when I am paying attention, how often I reject facts. And, it’s not that I can’t accept certain things, it’s that I don’t want to … I choose not to. Finally, I am learning that a lot of times when I practice non-acceptance, it causes me more pain than when I accept the fact and move forward.

“Acceptance is the key to be, to be truly free.”

Saying Goodbye To Guilt

Recently, I have been having a conversation with myself about guilt. I recognize if I feel guilty that means I am sorry. Right? When I do something wrong and feel guilty about it, that shows remorse, a conscience. That’s a good thing. Right? But, how sorry do I have to be? Do I have to be sorry, and sorry, and sorry and sorry some more for the same thing? How long do I have to feel guilty? What benefit does guilt serve after the initial feeling?

Guilt reminds me of a car. Yes, a car. A car is new once. That’s when we feel it’s so valuable. Feeling guilt initially, that’s like a new car, it has all the bell and whistles of a needed lesson. When you drive a new car off the lot they say the value takes an immediate hit. Unlike guilt, a car serves some useful purpose after it’s no longer new, it gets you from place to place. Guilt, however, after it’s new, its return is so diminished, it diminishes self, it takes you no place useful. Old guilt is like a car stuck in the mud, tires spinning over and over in the same spot, serving no useful purpose but to trample what’s underneath and dig you deeper into a hole.

When I keep feeling sorry for the same thing, over and over again, it’s like I reach inside my mind, my spirit (eventually my body) and attack myself. I don’t know about you, but guilt can break me down, wear me out, make me feel unworthy, unloveable. It becomes my whipping post. It tries to hang on for dear life around my neck and choke the joy out of me. It wants me to feel bad, real bad, all the time. Not just bad about what I did but about me as a person. Guilt tries to ignore every good quality I have because of what I did. How is that healthy?

It’s insane, that’s what it is, yet I have been known to partake in that insanity quite a bit. So that’s it- I am reprogramming my mind. I will feel guilt once, learn from it, and move on in my journey of becoming a better person. Guilt will be a lesson, not a whip. Goodbye to feeling guilty over and over again for the same thing. Once I have done some thing wrong and I have apologized, instead of constantly kicking myself about it, I will focus on not doing it again. Goodbye to feeling unworthy, after I have done what I can to make amends, my feelings of remorse will not get replaced with me destroying me. After my initial feeling of remorse, maybe I will sing this song “guilt, guilt, go away, don’t come back another day.” Or this one, “guilt, what is it good for, absolutely nothing. Say it again.” No, no, this is the song, “I’m going to wash that guilt right out of my hair and send it on it’s way.” One way or the other, I am changing my relationship with guilt.

It’s February, so what else could this blog be about but love. Love. Love. I love love. I believe love will, can, conquer all. I believe love is the most powerful emotion of all. I believe, I believe, I believe, yet … I am not sure I know what love is. Not the romantic love, love love, the love we should have for each other. Or, if you reserve love for certain people, then, the love we have for the people we say we love- family, friends. What is that exactly?

If I love you, am I allowed to shout at you? If I love you, am I allowed to hit you- only if you are child? If I love you, can I have moments of hate for you? Can I can love and hate you at the same time? What is this thing called love?

When I say I love someone, there is a feeling I want to have. The all mushy, I will walk through fire for you feeling. You know the feeling, the feeling you get when you watch a great romantic movie. Oh yes, ‘Romeo where forth art thou.’ Is this fantasy land? Oh but I digress, that’s the romantic love I was trying not to talk about. Let me try another example. The, I will jump in front of a stray bullet for you feeling. Is love only an emotion?

Or, is I love you something we say? We say I love you when we have the right feelings. How about the times when I feel, I love you, but not right now. Or, I love you- sometimes. Or, I love you but you better get out of my face, like right now! Or, I love you but I wish I were 5,000 miles away from you, and, if I were 5,000 miles away from you, I am not sure I would want to come back. There should be a place for this kind of love, shouldn’t there, because we feel these things with the ones we love, yet we kind of leave them unsaid. We wait for those moments when things haven’t hit the fence to say I love you, when we get that feeling, or we may say I love you because it’s the right thing to do. It seems to me, if we think about love as only a feeling, boy oh boy, how do you say roller coaster?

Love, could it be a commitment? Think about it. We usually love our family members even though some of them …. We love our children even though, sometimes, they drive us mad, did I say mad, I meant stark raving mad. But we love them, so maybe love is a commitment we give to people. Maybe we need to do whatever we call love and not try to define it? Or, is it that we need to get a little more realistic and define love with all its good, bad and ugly?

So this is the best blog ever. It has no answers. It poses a question for you to answer- what is love?

Reflections – Getting To Know Self

Have you been paying attention to your thoughts and actions? A few years ago, I started paying attention to my thoughts. I couldn’t believe what was going on in my head! I felt guilty about my thoughts. I attributed those thoughts to who I am and I was not happy with myself. What kind of person am I? I questioned. After I got over the shock of, what the heck, I began to notice some of my thoughts were bizarre, random, didn’t reflect how I really feel. They had nothing to do with how I live my life. Then I got it, my thoughts are not who I am.

The next thing I did was observe my actions. Have you ever seen ants when you pour water on them, scurrying away in a hurry? That’s what my actions reminded me of. I was always in a hurry. Get in the bathroom, 10 seconds later, I am wondering what time it is. I am brushing my teeth wondering what I am going to have for breakfast, what I am going to wear, what time is it, again, what’s the weather like outside, any and everything that has nothing to do with the simple act of brushing my teeth. I noticed, when I am doing something, I am usually not paying attention to what I am doing. So, I started paying attention to how I feel when doing the thing I am actually doing. Talk about interesting. When I paid attention I noticed a lot of interesting things.

I started by paying attention when I brush my teeth. Well, not everyday but when I do pay attention, I notice if I am brushing in a circular movement, up and down or side to side. I notice how the brush feels on my gums. I notice if the grime comes off easily. Does the brush glide over my teeth or do I have to put a little more effort to get food stuck between them? I notice the smell of whatever I am brushing my teeth with.

Along with noticing comes a sense of calmness. I am calmer because the only thing I am thinking of is brushing my teeth – all the other thoughts that usually invade my mind are gone. Instead of robotically going through the motions of brushing my teeth, when I have no other thoughts besides brushing my teeth, my senses become alive. I am more observant, focused, engaged even fascinated by the things that happen when I brush my teeth. I pay attention to me and only me in those few moments while I care for, a part of me. I am relaxed. I experience what I am doing instead of just doing it. I feel grounded. I am where I am, and no place else.

So, now, when I remember, I pay attention to my thoughts and my actions. When I notice those crazy thoughts I let them go, without guilt; and when I am not paying attention to what I am doing, I slow down and pay attention.